The First Full Day

 This is the first full day that I don't have Jake with me. I am still crying and trying to cope. Today is the first time I woke up and Jake wasn't there. The first day that I wasn't able to give him his good morning kiss and cuddle and last night was the first night that I wasn't able to give him a good night kiss and cuddle. I had a doctor's appointment today and it was the first time in almost 13 years he wasn't there to run up and greet me when I came home. Today is the first time that a Barkbox will come and he won't be there to tear open. I was hoping that this month's Barkbox would come earlier for him and Sydney to tear open. It will be Sydney's first Barkbox to open alone. As I am typing this, the Barkbox has arrived and I am sobbing. Sydney is confused but she knew Jake was sick and she was there when we put down Jake. I wanted Sydney to say good bye and I am happy that we took Sydney along with us. We took her with us and thought she could say good bye to Jake and maybe understand the process and that Jake had died. Death might be a part of life but losing Jake doesn't make that fact any easier. Jake was my buddy and it's going to be even harder tonight when Sydney and I go on our walk at night. Jake won't be there and I won't get to walk him anymore.Some time next week, I will be picking up his ashes and paw prints. I am not sure how I will be able to face that fact. Today is the first full day that wasn't spent giving Jake his medication in globs of peanut butter. My appetite is pretty much shot where all I want is a mouthful of food and don't want anymore food. Watching Dr Pol on TV brings me no joy it's not a whole lot brings me joy at this point. Looking at Jake's leash, I know that I will never be able to take him to the park again for even more walks. Jake really did love going to the park.

When I first got Jake, I wore Shalimar and I am trying to honor our time together with Shalimar today. Is it bringing me comfort? Not really. I just want Jake here with me and alive.I might still have Sydney but she is just as lost as I am and she is confused on why Jake isn't here. She doesn't quite understand that Jake isn't coming home alive but in an urn. I know that Jake was sick and his quality of life wasn't good and putting him down was the only option left but it wasn't what I wanted.